Think of Me
by isdangmaharot
Summary: A conversation between two men who both love/d the same woman—Catherine Willows.  Gil Grissom & Lou Vartann  "Do you love her?" He asked Gil quietly, "I mean I know you love her as your best friend. But what I mean is ... at one point in time,..


**A/N:** I have this written/typed down on my phone for quite a bit. Was inspired by Mekashimota's fanvid Think Of Me.

**This is specially dedicated to my tweethearts Suzanne, Sharon, Sheena.

**To Erica, thank you for the friendship dear. This one's to Grillow ship. :))

**To Karol, most of all, you'll get the theme here. Thank you sisteraka. This one's for you.

**To all Grillows and C/V fans. To us, cheers! :))

I don't own any characters here. Also borrowed couple of stuffs from Grey's and maybe PP.

Summary: A conversation between two men who both love/d the same woman—Catherine Willows.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"I didn't think I'd see you here."

Gil smiled half-heartedly, "I didn't think I'd see me here either."

True to his words, Gil Grissom never really thought he'd stood where he's at that moment. When he left Las Vegas two years ago, he hadn't really pictured how or what his first visit back to Vegas would be. Even when he was touring the world with Sarah, for a while he forgot Vegas. He forgot or rather he became a new man. He never even had the chance to imagine how would things be when he visit back his old beloved city. But even if he'd have imagined, in his vivid imagination, this current situation would have never popped in his head, even on his wildest dreams. When he left Las Vegas, he left a lot of things and people. People. His people-his Catherine. Yes, he became a new man but his old heart remained. He love Sarah but in the spirit of being true, he could never deny the fact that he's still in love with Catherine Willows. He knows it's unfair of him to Sarah, but that's just another story to tell.

Both men fell into uncomfortable silence. The December wind was crisp and it hit Gil hard on his face as he kneeled down. He ever so softly ran his fingertips across the name on the ground. He blinked a few times hoping after one, he'll be back in Paris and this whole scenario would just become a bad dream. A nightmare. Hundreds of thoughts coursed his head and his chest felt too heavy to even breathe. He was in pain-slowly consuming every fiber of his being. He sighed. Blinked. Sighed and then blinked again to fight back the tears that clouded his blue eyes. The last thing he needed was for Detective Vartann to see him cry and sob his heart out.

Lou Vartann witnessed how Gil tried his best to remain calm and proper despite the situation. He wondered what was going through Grissom's head. Was he sorry? Did he missed Catherine? Lou knew how much Catherine missed Gil as she sometimes, actually most of the time drop Gil's name on their conversation. In truth, Lou was mad at Gil. He was mad and angry because he saw how much Catherine valued their friendship but Gil seemed to shut her down. During the early part of Lou and Cath's relationship, she would always complain to Lou how Gil had forgotten about her. But as time passed, she has gotten used to Gil not responding to her emails and eventually, she stopped sending them as well.

Lou however still felt like he was somehow competing with Gil Grissom. Catherine already uttered 'I love you' to him countless times, but somehow he couldn't let go of the thought that at one point in time, Catherine was madly in love with Gil. And bless his honest heart, Lou had always wondered if she had really gotten over him. And say she did, Lou's ego had always wondered who she loved more.

"She missed you, you know." Lou stated, almost regretfully. "There's not a week, I think, where she didn't share a funny moment between you two.

At first, it bothered me. But I guess, I think, I got over it. She loved you. She'll always love you because you were the best of friends. But she's amazing and did her best to show me how much she loved me too so I'd never doubt her."

Gil somehow knew where Vartann was coming from. He tried to rack his brain so he could maybe offer the man a more positive response.

"She loves..loved you. Never doubt that." Gil replied as he stood up and looked at Vartann. He could see Lou thinking hard about things as the man's gaze fixated on Catherine's grave.

Lou sighed as he put his hands on his pockets, "I know. But part of me still wonders who she loved more. Me or you." He almost whispered his last three words. His gaze travelled back up as his grey eyes searched and bore Grissom's blues.

Gil just stared at him. It was almost a glare and shock was well written on his feature. He was taken aback by Lou's confession rendering him speechless. What could he possibly tell Lou to settle the latter's doubtful thoughts?

"You know Detec-" He was cut-off by Vartann and ruefully smiled at him.

"Do you love her?" He asked Gil quietly, "I mean I know you love her as your best friend. But what I mean is ... at one point in time, were you in love with her?"

Gil was speechless, yet again. His strong gaze backed down as he stare back at Catherine's name on the ground. He already knew the answer to Vartann's query however, he wasn't sure how to answer it without feeling like he's cheating on Sarah. Was there really a way for him to express outloud his old forgotten feelings for Catherine without regret eating every nerve on his body?

"Yes." He replied carefully.

Lou sighed, for the what seemed like the nth time that day. At least, that part was finally cleared. Will he dare ask Gil why he never acted on those feelings? Maybe not. Not today, at least.

"Me too. Still am. I'm in love with Catherine and ... God, I love her."

"She knows that." Gil replied encouragingly.

"You know, I envy you." Lou said, hoping for silence to not hover between them.

"Hmm?" Gil met Lou's gaze as his brow furrowed.

"Yeah. I do." Lou replied and took a deep breath. "I envy that you've known her longer ... That you had more memories with her. Two decades of your life was spent with her ... It was almost a marriage if you look at it on a different perspective. You were there when Lindsey was born. There when Eddie cheated on her ... When Eddie beat her to death," he stopped, suddenly aware of his last word.

"Detective.." Grissom started. He was thinking of something to say. However, his mind went blank knowing there really was not much he could give using words because all the things Vartann had said were true.

"Did she ever mentioned I didn't bid her a proper goodbye when I left?" Gil said quietly.

Vartann stared at him for a couple of seconds, absorbing his words. He looked at him with silent disbelief on his eyes,

"No." he shook his head slightly, "She never bad mouthed you or anything close to that. Maybe she's holding on to good memories of you two."

It was Gil's turn to sigh as his eyes travelled back to the ground, six-feet under where Catherine's peacefully resting. "I could only hope she has forgiven me."

"I'm sure she has. Ages ago."

Gil nodded as he vividly recall his last day on Vegas. He bid goodbye to everyone, at least that's what he thought he did. He hated goodbyes so he wasn't really sure how to properly bid them. The fact that Catherine was not like 'everyone' made no difference as he recalled. He bid her goodbye. Simple and short. Her words was still ringing on his ears, 'I knew before you knew..' It hurt him, for reasons he buried deep down inside. Her words stung his heart. But he's a grown man so he just shrugged it off. It was safe to say he took her words as a sign that she has let him go ... without a fight.

"What was your favorite memory of her?" Vartann asked, startling Grissom and his thoughts.

Gil pondered for a bit, "There's really not a single memory that stands out for me right now. I'm sorry. I-"

"It's okay. I understand." Vartann nodded solemnly. A wave of silence hovered above them before Vartann opened his mouth to speak.

"It was Tuesday morning." he started and looked at Gil. The latter simply nodded, and patiently waited for him to continue.

"I was on morning shift because they needed all hands on deck. She came home from night shift and head straight to shower while I had coffee on her kitchen. Then I went upstairs to check on her and see if she's come out of the bathroom. She stood there wearing that ratty little 'I love New York' t-shirt while brushing her hair. That shirt has several holes on front and back but she looked good on it. She smelled like strawberries, her shampoo flavor. I was already running late and she said she'd see me later.." Vartann choked on his last word. He licked his lower lip and tried to swallow the lump that formed on his throat. He roughly rubbed his eyes hoping he'd be able to hold himself together.

"She leaned on me. Her right hand was on my chest as she kissed me. Soft. Quick. Kinda like a habit, you know? Like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. She went to bed and I left." He took a sharp breath, "That was the last time we kissed. Last I saw her alive and breathing.."

Vartann paused for a moment before he continued, "I came home that afternoon. Everything was the same as I left it that morning. I went upstairs to check on her. She looked ... peaceful." his voice broke as he inhaled sharply.

"I was gonna kiss her but when I touched her ... she was cold." Vartann rubbed his cheek hastily and shook his head.

Gil was listening intently as Vartann relived that tragic day. He could feel Lou's grief and pain. Gil couldn't even bring himself to imagine how he would have reacted had he had faced the same situation.

"I checked her pulse ... Nothing. I ... I lost her. Just like that, I lost Catherine." He stated with remorse as he shook his head. Disbelief evident on his tone.

Gil lifted his right hand and tapped Lou's shoulder. He caught himself thinking, yet again, of what to say to him. He was trying to come up with soothing words maybe, to somehow lighten Vartann's burden. But what was to say when he himself was equally hurting? Was there enough words to tranquilize their agonies? Gil couldn't have uttered 'I know how you feel..' because he's well aware that their griefs and regrets were coming from different perspective and levels.

There was one thing both men were sharing though-pain. A level of pain so great, it managed to somehow block everything else for them. It made both of their world fade away until all they could think about was how much they hurt. Lou Vartann lost the only woman he truly loved and wished to spend the rest of his days with. Gil Grissom lost his best friend and the love of his life.

How was it possible for both men to lose their other half when Catherine died? No one really knows.

"You're a lucky man Detective.." Gil started, and looked up to meet Lou's gaze.

"At least you had her last kiss. I ... I left her two years ago. I left her after two decades of memories and friendship and didn't even gave any effort to bid her a proper goodbye. I ... I cut her out of my life, just like that. I stopped answering her emails and didn't even bother to call her. I was a jerk. I still am. And ... And I know you said she has forgiven me. I believe you. But the thing is ... I ... I don't think I could ever forgive myself."

Gil stated bitterly. Even he, was taken aback by his sudden outburst. It was too late now though. Funny how fate decided to bite his ass. Catherine died while he was thousands of miles away from her and he hated and berated himself for that. His greatest fear though was that Catherine probably died thinking she didn't mean anything to him. That he didn't value what they had ... Didn't value her at all.

Vartann felt sorry for Gil Grissom despite himself. But Gil was two years too late. There's nothing he nor Gil could do now.

Gil being a scientist and having worked on dead bodies almost all his life never believed in after-life. He's a strong science minded kind of man. He believed and attest to the fact that when human dies, the remains will be eaten away by earthly elements. There was no such thing as ghosts or souls hovering on earth watching how their loved ones mourned for them. All those science beliefs yet that moment, while he stood above the ground where Catherine rests, he wished on his hearts of heart that somehow Catherine could see and hear him so she'd know how truly sorry he was and how much he really love her.

Grissom's thoughts were cut when Vartann's phone beeped. He took it from his breast pocket to check his message.

"I gotta go Griss. Duty calls."

Gil simply nodded and Vartann started to walk away. Gil's eyes followed the detective's back and before the man could move farther away, Gil said, "Thank you, Detective."

Vartann stopped on his tracks to look back at Grissom.

"For loving her.."

Vartann just smiled softly at him and nodded his head, "Best days of my life.." he responded before continuing his way towards his car.

Gil smiled to himself and looked back down on Catherine's grave and sighed, "I'm sorry Cath.. God knows how much I love you ... I'm so sorry."

FIN


End file.
